Still Here

I sit here writing a little ashamed and embarrassed with myself. It’s upsetting to see the look at the last date I’ve posted to my blog. My previous post was one of hope and motivation for what would be of the next couple of months. I’m bothered about that being my last post until now. Reading it back, I was looking at 2018 fueled with a desire and optimism of what lied ahead, what was to become and more importantly what I wanted to create.

To be honest, the inspiration has not depleted. Every day I wake up with an intention to get through my forever updating to-do list. I tell myself what I want to get done and the action needed to make it happen. After a short meditation or reciting a few daily affirmations, my mind is in space to go through my day with purpose. However, the 9-5 life has got to me.

Before starting my job, I thought I would have the ideal writing situation. I’ll work all day, and I’ll write, pitch, or research at night. That hasn’t been happening as much or how I thought. Adjusting to my new job and life in Bermuda has taken me longer than I intended. Hence the absence from my blog.

For these past six months I’ve been trying to figure out a routine that works best for me. I sigh to myself constantly about not having enough time in a day. After a long day, I’m physically drained and have to force myself to not hop in my bed. I’ll admit for the first month at my new job that is what I was doing. Now, after work usually consists of going to the gym, or for a run, meal prepping, house chores, or journaling, then of course other things come up. When settled with my laptop in front of me, its 9 pm and I only have the energy to turn on Netflix and let a show put me to sleep.

I’m not afraid of admitting when I fall short. In fact, the more I learn from my experiences, the more I see the importance of accountability within myself and also transparency in my writing. That’s the reason for the post. Distractions! None of us are immune to them. I question if my post-work activities are distractions.

Are they helping me reach my goals or a hindrance?

I know the correct answer to my question is that it’s me. Nothing is stopping me, slowing me down, or in the way, it is all a mind game. Regarding how I feel internally and the mental space I’m in, exercise and meditation have aided me there. But writing has taken the back bench.

Being more focused and intentional with my actions is the only way I’ll see progress, because it can be done. I see other creatives in similar shoes to mine doing it. There is never an off hour for doing that you love to do. We’re told the grind never stops because it doesn’t. The 5-9, or 5-whenver you decide slot is where the magic needs to be happening. If you are working for someone all day but not working on yourself after then you’ll never elevate. What you do in the evenings or weekends can have a deciding impact on your life’s direction and career’s ascent.

When June rolled in a lot of thoughts came to my mind. Sometimes this thinking would occur at unconscionable hours. My running mind would wake me up in the early hours of dawn. I was second guessing, self-doubting and angry at myself to the point of losing sleep. This insomnia isn’t new for me and is a consistent annoyance. It comes and goes and then appears again just when I thought I’d recovered. As much of an inconvenience these night terrors are, their occurrence is always a sign of discontent and unfulfillment.

It forces to me examine my movements or lack thereof. Last month I thought a lot about what I’ve been doing with my life concerning productivity and progression. We have just passed the midpoint of 2018. I’ve made some tweaking to my schedule, promised myself to stay consistent finding balance and commit to my free time effectively. With six more months to go what I do and what happens from now will have a direct effect on what kind of year I’ll have in 2019.

I’m keeping this post short and sweet because more is coming soon.

-C