I’m back in Bermuda for a little while. It still hasn’t hit me I’m going to be here for some time. I’ve been back for one month, but I think once January ends the feeling will start to settle in. When I was contemplating moving, I wanted to. Never would I think I’d feel like that. I’ve lived in London for seven years and have not once considered coming back to Bermuda for longer than a two-week vacation. In the final months of 2017 London wasn’t serving my soul.
The growth I’ve experienced this year has been solely about a rediscovery of self. This process was pulling me away from the spaces I knew for the past seven years. My environment was counterproductive for my evolving. I wasn’t entirely aligned. Although I love London and the fast paced city life, it was starting to drain me. Home was calling.
If you’re a young Bermudian, I know what you’re thinking. Why would I want to come back now? To be honest, I was a little weary. Bermuda can be toxic. There’s a small-minded mentality that plagues a lot of people. Or you can get too comfortable. But I know what I want to get out of being here and how I want to feel when I eventually leave.
I’ve been learning myself more. Lately, I’ve been very self-reflective about my journey and the emotions (good and bad) I felt last year. I wanted to know the deeper things and did a lot of internally asking “why.” My answers helped me to understand, accept, and most importantly love myself more. That has been the key to letting go of everything I’ve had to. I’ve written about honoring that space of aloneness and using it to inspire. And it did. From then to now, the time I’ve spent physically alone, or in my thoughts and the uncomfortable places my mind went showed me more about myself then I knew before. Most days I felt good, I felt resilient and free. Then some days I didn’t.
That’s the thing about life- it’s an endless lesson. We won’t fix or know ourselves overnight because we’re always changing. Everything takes time. It’s taken me time to trust my intuition and stick by myself. While I loved the self-discovery I was experiencing, I still felt a void. I knew not to ignore it. If I was going to continue to trust the process, something had to change. I had to take the necessary time away and dive into what my instinct was telling me.
I needed a break.
A lot of us have this hustler ambition. We have goals we want to achieve, places we see ourselves in the next five years, write all these things down and work tirelessly to get there. This drive programs us to be determined go-getters that hardly, if ever slow down. We’re all so focused on reaching our goals we don’t realize we could be burning out. Sometimes we can be so caught up in our timelines for “making it” we forget about our physical or mental health. That is a dangerous game.
What happens when you are forced to stop? It’s important to care for your inner self as much as you do your outer layers. Some people are good at knowing what they can handle and create balance. Some aren’t. The repetitious, day-to-day cycle can wear you down emotionally or physically. Yes, we need to do the work, but there is no rush. It’s essential to take time to relax, recharge, and not worry.
All the time you need.
The pressures of life and (I hate to say it) social media will make us obligated to not stop. You create excuses for not taking a break when seeing everyone “living their best life.” When the definition of you living your best life is one you make for yourself. You could be living it now if you wanted to. You won’t be if you aren’t caring for your mind.
Go on that solo trip you’ve been craving
Spend more time with your family
Connect with people offline
Take long hikes
Learn another language on the weekends
Quiet your thoughts at night
It doesn’t have to be some extravagant vacation or moving to another country, just sitting still for moments through the day can be it for you. What’s best for me right now is to be back home with my family, moving at a slower pace. So far it’s been therapeutic. A change of scenery can be inspiring. I mean I’m writing this post at the beach! I’ve been here for hours meditating and journaling. Watching the transcendent hues of blue in the water, listening as the waves come and crash to the shore, my feet playing in the sand- I feel at peace in this moment.
I’m close to being at peace with my life right now. There are aspects I still have to shed and spells where I have my not too good moments. I had one the other day. While I felt the tears coming, I ran to the bathroom because I didn’t want my parents to see me. I looked at myself in the mirror with teary, red eyes and wouldn’t allow myself to do it. After a pep talk in the mirror, I walked away. That’s growth. Being able to not sink into a hole of self-doubt and unhappiness.
I’m on a short hiatus. I’m allowing myself to slow down but am far from giving up. I’m not quitting or avoiding the work. I’m doing less to get more. This opens up room for purposeful space and allows me to have the energy to focus on what’s important. With a lot of time on my hands, I’m using it to open my eyes to new perspectives and different opportunities. While I know what I want, the most fun part is not knowing. Yes, the unknown can be scary, but it can lead to a place of fulfillment. Life has a way of guiding us to exactly where we should be.
I’m listening.
-C