| A rambling on 2020: It is 12 March 2021 as I begin to write this piece, and my Snapchat memories reminded me of what I was doing this time last year. One year ago today, I was at work, taking a quick filtered selfie in one of the booths at my job’s new office. That would be my first and only ‘cute at work’ selfie. I’d spend another week in the office before working from home for most of the year. Scrolling through my pictures to a few weeks before, it was a Friday night happy hour with my coworkers. This would be the last time we’d all be together in that kind of setting. The Monday after most of these colleagues were made redundant (except my team and a few others), we’d move to a smaller office, spend a week or two working from there, and then the UK would input a stay-at-home order due to the Coronavirus pandemic. The pace of that time was offbeat. Still grateful to have a job, my team and I were also processing survivors guilt, feeling bad for our former colleagues, and questioning the company’s direction. The seriousness of the pandemic would upend these emotions. My camera roll from this point has gaps in periods. There are only memes, TikTok drafts I’ll never post, and childhood photos my mom sent me from March to May. I visited a friend in her garden at the end of the month. I don’t think we were allowed to see people in other households, but after over two months of only talking to people through my computer screen, I needed human interaction. We drank cider in the sun and moved on to gin cocktails through the night. The videos of us dancing on her balcony show two friends who needed a liquor-induced moment, forgetting what was happening around us. The world was angry in June, and rightfully so. In a pandemic with so much life lost already, the senseless police killings of black lives started a summer of protests against racism and police brutality. The one picture I took that month was a cardboard cutout of Trump as the devil while at a Black Lives Matter protest. I snapped the most in July because I felt I’d returned to some normalcy while back home in Bermuda for five weeks. Family, friends, booze, boats & beaches. I then arrived to London in a slump. The repetitive cycle of isolation seemed never-ending. Would I ever break from this bubble of constant solitude? Having to self isolate, social distance, work from home, and stress over being as careful as possible not to contract a virus that continues to claim many lives took a toll on my mental health. By the end of September, I decided to move back to Bermuda in December. Not wanting to wait any longer, I pushed the date up by two weeks. The UK announced another lockdown to start on 5 November, and I changed my ticket again, returning to Bermuda on 4 November. The last two months of the year are a collection of selfies when I’d find good lighting in my house, videos of my dog Ivy (it’s only her and I at home during the day), captures of walks on the beach. In 2020, I spent a lot of time scrolling through my camera roll, looking at occasions before the pandemic disrupted our lives. For most of the year, I was in a state of longing. Photo memories triggered contemplation on how much has changed. I was longing for a routine, longing to hug my family, to be drunk at a bar with friends, vibing at a concert, exploring a new country, on a plane. I didn’t want to go back in time but yearned to be somewhere else, sense familiarity, engage in modest pleasures, and experience meaningful connections. Now that a whole year has gone by without our usual way of living, I have altered the things I long for. Of course, I want aspects of my pre-pandemic world back, but I also don’t think we are returning to life as we knew it. My definition of longing today is more than a desire for something farfetched. It’s identifying where I felt incomplete and how I want to spend my time freely. This past year showed me what I was missing. I’m choosing to surround myself with loved ones, focus on things that really matter, and attract happiness. – Chenae ♥ * I initially was going to write in-depth about how 2020 flopped for me but changed my mind after seeing the Snapchat memory. 🙂 |
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